last day of the year

here is my blank page filled up, in order:

what a year it has been [impossible to add to]


the thing about this forum is [and that's all she wrote]

[and then, down to brass tacks here...]


reasons it is really hard to write a blog:
1. people make fun of you if they find out, sometimes in plays, even if they also have blogs
2. there is a crazy thing that happens where you simultaneously really want and totally don’t care or even desire at all for people, i.e. your friends to read it, see number 3
3. the ‘putting it out there’ makes you feel alternately at peace/release-y, and, vulnerable.
4. sometimes being earnest and being funny don't happen at the same time and it seems cooler to be funny
5. time-- where does it go?
6. the catch-22 of hanging out with 'medium-' to 'high-profile' people... (not my idea for how to think about humans, but is there a better way to say it?) if you are doing cool things with them you sound like a star-fucker if you talk about it, so then you go out of your way not to talk about it, which just makes you seem weirdly uppity and obnoxious for being secretive or reticent, or too much time passes and you don’t write anything so then the task begins to feel gargantuan
7. the delicate balance between being frank and protecting your privacy, as well as the people in your life
8. no one is paying you to do this and you to focus on doing activities that garner you a wage
9. a lot of really crazy shit is going on and it is almost impossible to process, much less ‘blog’ about in any sort of articulate way
10. you sometimes feel like an asshole when you say “I have a blog” (see number 11)
11. you fear the addition of “blog” as a verb into the English language, e.g. I blog, He blogs, We blog, you all blog, they blog… etc.
12. it is not the same as a conversation even if you want it to be sometimes
13. it is a little more like a conversation than you want it to be sometimes
14. you get a lot of flak for being honest and inquisitive about actual ideas that mean something to you—and this is discouraging for many reasons’
15. haters
16. lovers
17. family
18. sometimes it is hard to know who your audience is, if any
19. sometimes it is hard to find your voice—sometimes this can be a function of the one before
20. no matter what putting something out there is an aggressive act, especially when you aren’t all about being coy, careful, or clever as to how said output should me interpreted
21. as luck would have it that’s all I got. If that’s not a lot though how about this?

Reasons it is great to do this thingy here:
1. sometimes it feels great
2. it’s okay to make people laugh, especially when you are laughing too (it’s okay, blogs ARE really funny and strange—I agree!!!)
3. it is easier then reading Balzac (and I know this for a fact)
4. it feels like a very pure way to stay in touch—‘if someone has the time and interest, here I am, take it or leave it’…
5. the whole ‘transparency’ goal
6. it doesn’t COST money
7. it might make someone, like maybe you… smile/think/fart/sniffle
8. time goes so fast and it is a way to encourage being present with life, it is very active documentation
9. you get to say, “I have a blog!”
10. you get to relive the excitement you feel for the great stuff you are describing, and maybe, others get to feel the good stuff too—because you turn them onto to some book, show, etc. and then it is not just all about you
11. sometimes people write comments
12. sometimes these comments are very thoughtful and generous and sweet
13. it feels good to get stuff off your chest even if you are not saying all the stuff you would say to your BFF or your pillow
14. some days it feels like the only real contribution you make of your self to the world at all— but in a good way
15. being made fun of teaches you humilitiy, and not to take yourself too seriously—very important I think
16. by writing about what you think about a thing you come to know yourself better, who you are, what you care about, how you feel about such-and-such… BIG stuff
17. it doesn’t take up physical space and once you say things sometimes that frees up mental and/or emotional space
18. posting photos and videos is really fun and shockingly easy, and makes me feel surprisingly tech-savvy
19. there is such a thing as a blog being a springboard to something else—like a book, or a play, or love affair, it hasn’t happened to me, but I can imagine it happening.
20. The thing itself—it can be very simple—and I am after this in my life.
21. I said I would.
And there it is. The case is made.
I will continue to try.


PS thanks for the nudge nudge Andrew & Erica. off we go!